Your immediate reactions to your baby’s death may be shock, denial, disbelief, or a sense of numbness or unreality. These feelings are completely normal and may cushion the impact of the loss until you are able to face the devastating reality of your baby’s death.
Grief is not simply sadness, nor is it expressed only by crying. You, and other family members, will feel many strong emotions in the following days, weeks and months. It is not unusual to feel some of these emotions from time to time, for years to come.
Grief is not something which can be measured. It is very unlikely that any one person will feel exactly the same range of emotional responses as anybody else. Mothers and fathers may not experience the same feelings at the same time. This can make sharing one’s feelings especially hard, and lead to a sense of great isolation, causing even more difficulties for each grieving person.
It is most important to recognise that grief must be allowed to be expressed. It is also important for the grieving person, and those around her or him, to understand that expressing feelings, even those that seem strange or shocking, is normal and healthy behaviour.
Some of the more usual emotions felt include guilt, anger, fear, blame and despair. Prolonged feelings of guilt can be destructive. Because the causes of SIDS are unknown, you may seek your own explanations for the tragedy and may blame yourself. (It is important that everyone is reassured that SIDS is nobody’s fault.)
Some people will need to talk, to go over and over the events; others may withdraw into themselves and seem unreachable. Fathers, in particular, may find that in their role their grief may not be acknowledged to the same extent as mothers. Loss of concentration, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, even symptoms of physical illness can be experienced. It is common to find there are things or events that can trigger painful memories. Anniversaries, birthdays, family celebrations, a photo, a baby or child of the same age are some of them. It is important to know and realise that these are normal reactions, and that other grieving parents share this sensitivity.