Helping Siblings

What About the Other Children?

Children are always affected by a death in the family. However, because they cannot understand or talk about death in the same way as an adult, they may sometimes appear to deny it or seem unconcerned. They may misbehave, have nightmares, revert to bedwetting or other habits, which they have previously outgrown. They may become ‘clinging’, withdrawn or even laugh without cause.

The youngest ones cannot tell of their fears, and may not understand explanations easily. But whatever their age, it is important they be told the truth as simply as possible. If they are told that the baby “went to sleep”, or “went away/to hospital/to visit someone”, they can become frightened of going to sleep or going on trips. Straightforward, truthful explanations are best such as, “The baby died from something called SIDS. We do not know what causes it but it will not happen to you or to Mummy or Daddy”.

Children need constant reassurance of their parents’ love and affection. However, this can be extremely difficult for parents, especially in the days immediately following the death. Some parents may have difficulty providing such reassurance while their own grief is acute.

It is important to include children in the events surrounding their sister/brother’s death. For example, they can be asked if they would like to see the baby, go to the funeral, do a drawing or write a story.

Children need reassurance that neither they nor anyone else was responsible for the death, and that they will not die in the same way. Later, as children grow and their understanding develops, they will have further questions and may want to talk about why the baby died.

All children benefit from being allowed to express their feelings. Older children may need encouragement to discuss their worries openly. School age children can benefit from being asked how they would like their school friends to be told. For example, children may want to tell their friends themselves, or they may prefer a teacher to do it for them. This allows them to be part of the decision making too. Some SIDS organisations have special creative activities and groups for children.