Offering Support

Supporting Friends

“It’s now almost four months since Zoë died. From the dreaded morning I found her in her cot, people have been generous, courageous, considerate and, happily, their normal selves. I am thankful in my heart for all the thoughts and efforts, from the meals in the first weeks and the phone calls to see how we’re doing, to the unfussed acceptance of my crying at parties and gatherings, the remembrances of Zoë on her first birthday and the sheer bravery of just sitting with me as I go mad.

Every little bit that family and friends do is vital for us, is much-needed support. I couldn’t go on without it.

Understanding

Your understanding and support will make a difference.

To every family, the sudden unexpected death of a baby or young child is devastating. The family’s world is turned upside down. They may feel angry, confused, hurt, and alone. Your support, caring and friendship are so important during this time.

Death is a difficult subject, one which is frightening and unfamiliar to many people. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do or say to someone whose young child has died. You may feel awkward, uncomfortable or even afraid. But don’t let your own sense of helplessness keep you away. Silence and distance can be so hurtful, not only to the parents, but also to you and your relationship with them. As you cared about your friend or family member before the death of their child, show them, in some way, that you still do. Your understanding and support will make a difference.

Important Things to Know

  1. People do recover from such a tragic loss eventually, but they will be changed by it and they will never forget.

  2. The greatest help for parents on the long road to self-healing and recovery is the understanding and support of their family and friends.

  3. It is easy to make a mistake or say the wrong thing in trying to support a grieving friend. But it is never too late to say you are sorry.

It’s alright to show your emotions – you can be honest with your feelings.

Make sure you have support for yourself; supporting your friend may not be easy.

Listening

One of the most important things that you can do for a friend or family member whose child has died is simply to listen. Some parents feel the need to go over and over what happened, and need someone who is willing to listen to them. Sometimes, with the best of intentions, friends or family members try to change the subject when the parents begin talking about their dead child. While you may think it will be helpful to try to get their minds off their child, it usually isn’t.

Some parents feel more comfortable not talking about their dead child, but may still need someone just to be there with them. So try to accept silence, too. Be aware, though, that your friend or family member may change their mind, and may want to talk about their child at some other time.

Every experience is unique, and every person experiences a unique grieving process. While their behaviour may seem strange to you – for example, f they cry constantly, even long after the death, or if they rarely, if ever, cry – try to accept it as a part of their grieving process. Do not be surprised at the things parents may do. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and anything that comforts parents is normal. Try not to say things like, “You ought to be feeling better by now”. People heal in their own time.

Of all the remarks made at the time of my son’s death to comfort me, my friend who said ‘I cannot imagine how you must be feeling’ came the closest to acknowledging my unique pain.