Practical Matters and Decision Making

Practical Matters

In helping your friend with practicalities, avoid moving or cleaning anything relating to the baby. This includes the nursery, clothes, toys, dishes and unneeded bottles. Some things you can do to help your friend are:

  • Washing clothes
  • Washing dishes
  • Tidying up around the house
  • Preparing meals for the rest of the family (the parents may not want to eat much at first).
  • Look after the other children.
  • Grocery shopping.
  • Answering the phone and greeting visitors.
  • Making phone calls that may be difficult for your friend or family member, such as notifying distant relatives or notifying the WINZ or IRD office regarding Family Benefit or Assistance.
  • Helping to answer correspondence.
  • Driving your friend or family member to places they need to go.
  • Mowing the lawn or taking care of the garden.
  • Feeding the pets.

Not long after Franklin died I came home to find someone had left a cake at the door. This meant that someone had thought of us and had acted upon this.

Making Decisions

After the death of a child, some parents feel inadequate or helpless. It is tempting to want to make decisions for them, so that they do not have to worry. But if you take over their decision-making, you may inadvertently make them feel even more helpless. Many parents have said that they wished they had taken a more active part in their baby or young child’s funeral, for example. Even if you do not agree with their decisions, try to accept them as the right ones for the parents at that time.

In addition to funeral arrangements, the decision of if and when to put away the baby or young child’s clothing, pictures and toys must be that of the parents. They need to decide what to do with these things in their own time. Sometimes the father and mother do not agree; it is important that you do not take sides, but try to understand how each person feels.

If the parents are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, try to encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves. If you are there for them, they may feel more capable just knowing that someone cares and will help if needed.