The funeral is the last physical act of caring for your child. It is a time, amid profound grief, when you can acknowledge your child and the meaning your child’s life holds for you and your family. You have many choices in arranging the funeral. Arrangements for children and babies may be quite different from the way adult funerals are conducted. There are few legal requirements in arranging a child’s funeral, although your religion or culture may guide you in your choices. Take your time, however.
We never expected to bury our own child. We didn’t have a plan, and we had to face it in all our grief.
Arranging our child’s funeral ourselves gave us something to do during those dreadful days: it gave us a sense of purpose.
Choices
Bury or Cremate
This may determine the final resting place for your child. If you choose to bury your child, the burial must take place in an approved burial ground/cemetery. While you may carry your child in your own car, the government regulations state that your child’s body must be placed in a closed coffin or casket before entering the cemetery grounds.
We chose a country cemetery, where we found a plot which we thought was just right. It was near another baby 51/2 months old, whose grave was covered with petunias. The grave was dug by the cemetery. We had friends to help us lower the coffin. My husband lovingly made a unique headstone which he designed with stars on it.
We chose to cremate Lachlan. Then we brought his ashes home and we have him with us always, in his garden.
Spending Time With Your Child
In almost all situations it is possible for you to spend time with your child prior to the funeral. Ask a funeral director to make the necessary arrangements. In some situations when a child dies suddenly and unexpectedly at home, for example from SIDS, his or her body may be cared for at home or at the hospital before autopsy. The autopsy may be undertaken at a Coronial Services Centre or a regional hospital. Hospital, Coronial Services and funeral service staff understand your need to spend time with your child. They understand that it may be very important to you to see and hold your child and to involve brothers, sisters and other members of the family. It may be possible for you to have your child at home before the funeral.
In writing this section we, as parents, have tried to prepare you for changes you will notice about your child. Although we don’t know the circumstances of your child’s death, inevitably, there will be changes. Your feelings of love will remain with you, even though your child has died and his or her appearance has changed. Where a child has died, possibly of SIDS, he or she may appear pale and waxen with a bluish tinge to the lips. After the autopsy, you will be able to be with your child again as often as you like. This might take place at a funeral parlour, at home, or at a place of your choice. This is often an appropriate time to take some photos if you wish and also to involve your other children.
In cool and moderate climates your child’s body may be kept at home in a room without heating for about 36 hours. Partial or full preservation of the body may be required for a longer time at home or in warm weather.
A friend rang very late at night and said I could have my baby at home. It was lovely – we had the funeral director bring our baby to us and we took him to the funeral in our car.
I am sorry I never saw Brendan after he died. I will always wonder what he looked like and wish I had time for another cuddle!
I had the funeral director come to my house and pick up our baby’s bassinet so we could view him in the bassinet.
We wanted him dressed in particular clothes. I got his denims, his red jumper and beanie: it was better than a silly white bonnet.
Be Led by Your Heart, Not by Time
In most cases, time is an issue. If your feeling is to bury your child tomorrow, pursue that instinct, but if you feel you need more time – even two weeks more – this is not unreasonable. You may want time just to be with your child, perhaps to arrange a naming ceremony and to be sure that your plans for your child’s funeral are what you would like them to be. With time, you can make choices and change your mind if necessary.
After a child has died you may feel shocked, angry, upset, numb and confused. It can be hard to take in what has happened, what it means to you and your family and what has to be organised. For many families it is the first experience of a death in the family. It can be frightening to think about what needs to be organised. The most important thing that we can say is take your time – don’t rush. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. The choices you make now for your child are important now and in the future.
Being on holidays, by the time friends had arrived to rescue us, the two of us, in a matter of hours, had decided how we wanted Thomas’s funeral. In retrospect, we are glad we had this time alone.
We arranged the funeral for the next day, but we didn’t take into account that Alyce’s body would not be available for 48 hours. We were disappointed but we decided to go ahead and hold the service without her being there.
I was horrified that anyone would do anything for Zoë apart from us. The funeral director delivered the coffin and later brought Zoë home to us. She lay in her cot at home for three days and our friends and her little friends came and put flowers in the cot.
I did worry a bit about keeping her preserved. People poured in and out of the house with flowers, and children came to look at her in her cot – they were so matter-of-fact about it. In the end, I felt overwhelmed and as if I was entertaining people all the time. An old friend of ours did the service in our garden and we held Zoë in our arms. Some people were a bit upset by this.
Choosing the Casket
Some people have asked family members or friends to make the coffin. Families are also able to choose linings or coverings or provide their own. Parents may find that the tiny caskets have insufficient room for a child and the toys and mementos they may wish to add.
The size of a casket may be important if it is being placed in a pocket of an adult grave. The pocket can be at the side, head or foot of the grave.
The coffin was a really tight fit – we took him out of it when we got him home and had him laying on the bed.
All of us in the family screwed down the lid and we knew he was in there and that we had done all we could.
Zoë’s brother Tom painted the coffin with all her favourite things.
We dressed Lannie (Ellana) as a fairy with a little tiara and wand. We put a number of things with her in the coffin, including her fairy doll and Teddy, a favourite blanket, Noddy, a book, and letters from her brothers, Sam and Jack. I took out Noddy and her blanket before Lannie was cremated so I could keep something precious of her last moments.
Transport
There are several options you can consider for transporting your child from Coronial Services and/or on the day of the funeral. You may prefer to collect your child: that way you are able to use your own car. If a funeral director is collecting your child, he or she will generally use a sedan. If you wish, you may accompany them.
It is not necessary to use a hearse: we picked up our daughter from the Coronial Services Centre in our car. We had the casket in the car and we took her to the church.
We chose a limousine to take us to the funeral so we could all be together as a family. This allowed us time to explain to the children what was going to happen at the funeral, and they were able to ask us questions about anything they didn’t understand.
Other Ideas
Some families may like to have helium-filled balloons to symbolically release at the funeral for any children attending.
Families' Suggestions
- Involving the children’s friends, to read, to sing, or to play an instrument at the funeral.
- Burning of candles and incense to create an uplifting atmosphere. There are endless possibilities: the important thing is that you create a service that meets the particular needs of you and your family.
We had balloons at the funeral. The children released them and felt an important part of the ceremony, but they were actually far more meaningful for the adults present.
Legal Requirements
There are several forms you’ll need to complete before the funeral. These forms, along with advice about funeral arrangements and the accompanying legal procedures, can be obtained from a funeral director or Cemetery Authority. For more information about funeral arrangements, contact your local funeral director or SIDS New Zealand.
The Death Certificate
The Death Certificate may not be automatically sent to you if your child was under 16 years of age. You can request a Certificate be sent to you from the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages. It is free. If your child was 16 years or over, Death Certificate is automatically sent to the person who completed the legal forms. A full Death Certificate can be obtained for a fee.